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n. An unexpected
shift in roles placed this duty on myself.
After: The project got off to a late start due to circumstances beyond our control. We could not
move forward, and no one stepped forward to take the lead in figuring out what went wrong.
Despite my junior status, I decided to undertake this challenge.
The second version clearly sounds more natural, and the uses of "our," "we," and "I" make the
reader sense that the writer has a more personal stake in the problem. There are several
differences worth noting.
1. The second version is shorter. Writing in excessively formal language often requires more
words, such as "beyond the control of all relevant parties" versus "beyond our control."
2. The second version avoids two to be verbs and replaces them with more active ones.
3. The first version turns words that are usually verbs into nouns: "determination" and
"assessment." This adds a definite stiffness to the writing.
4. The second version uses phrases that sound conversational but not informal: "got off to a
late start" and "figuring out what went wrong." The line is fuzzy, but again, ask yourself if you
would use these phrases in an interview. The answer here should be yes, while "What's the
big deal?" is a clear mistake.
5. Another example of the first version depersonalizing the issue is in the last sentence, which
is ambiguous. The new version does not rely on the vague phrase "an unexpected shift in
roles" and has the further benefit of making the writer sound more active in assuming
leadership.
Sounding Confident
Within this category, we will also cover how to sound enthusiastic, positive, and passionate-in
other words, the basic qualities every essay should have regardless of its subject. We will go
through some general guidelines and offer before-and-after examples when appropriate:
1. Avoid phrases like "I believe," "I feel," and "I think." Even worse are phrases that add an
adverb, such as "I strongly believe." Your tone will be much more confident if you just make
the statement without preface.
2. There's little value that can come from being negative, whether you're writing about a
weakness or a negative external situation. Downplay the negative aspects and emphasize the
positive.
Before: Our business has struggled since the whole market started its downturn, but we are
staying strong.
After: Despite a slowdown that has coincided with the market struggles, we have taken
measures to remain competitive and are beginning to reverse the downturn.
3. When you're trying to convey your enthusiasm about a subject, the language you use
should parallel your feelings. Stiff, deadened, and passive writing will contradict the passion
you're claiming to possess. Use action verbs to inject vigor into your writing, and of course,
show rather than tell whenever possible.
Before: Civil rights is an issue I feel strongly about. The legal field is closely related to this
issue, and I would like to use it as an avenue to effect change.
After: I have marched, demonstrated, and campaigned for the civil rights of all people. Now I
hope to tackle the systemic roots of the problem through a career in law.
4. Emphasize your active role. This point has come up so many times because it affects so
many aspects of your writing. Highlight the ways in which you actively contributed to a situation
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