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These companies such as my fathers need managers in business & international business and law to lead them to make this companys more effective in the next decades, bringing in friendship , understanding of different culture s & overall development in the world . I am devoted to go through this path , and i'm sure i can be successfull.
Edited Version (the "After")
Critique
Your essay holds the outline of a good work, but contains widespread grammatical and stylistic errors. In the future, you must maintain proper spelling and grammar, for any admissions board will have reservations about an applicant that has problems with these two areas. We therefore made significant and thorough alterations, bringing to it the elegance and sophistication that will make you stand out from other applicants.
Our efforts focused on eliminating any grammatical or stylistic errors that detract from the flow of the essay. We broadened the vocabulary and made many changes to diction. We eliminated passive voice wherever feasible. Awkward sentences were rewritten more smoothly to aid the continuous flow of the essay. We also varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing. We endeavored, however, to maintain the emotional power that filled your initial essay.
We also added two extra paragraphs to the essay that did not previously exist, in order to better shape your thoughts, incorporate your interests, and attach a conclusion to the work.
Mostly, we tried to add more impact to your words by "cleaning up" your writing style. The manner in which thoughts are expressed is quite as important as the actual ideas, and can make the difference between a mediocre essay and a superior one.
Please bear in mind that we have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you. Best of luck in your applications process,
Edited Essay
I came to America as a young girl to learn, study, and understand the diverse, multicultural society of the United States. It was very difficult for me to leave my family behind, for I was only of high-school age, but I realized the need to expand my boundaries and grasp new opportunities.
I went to Canada first, where I graduated from a French-speaking high school, learning that language quite well in the process. I then moved to southern California and entered Orange Coast College. Although I had to divide my attention between school and work, I tried to focus my efforts on paving a clear future for myself. I therefore sought a field that would open many doors in the years to come, both in terms of job opportunities and the growing need to acknowledge the global aspect of business relations. Learning about the business world in an internationally known, academically superior institution in the United States has prepared me to achieve my goal, which is to foster friendly relationships between different countries by creating intercultural enterprises throughout the globe.
I feel proud to follow in the example of my father, who earned a Ph.D. in Engineering from U.C. Berkeley in 1973 and then turned his efforts toward the realm of international business. In 1974, he established a U.S.-style engineering and construction company called Tehran Berkeley in Tehran, Iran. His company's efforts contributed greatly to Iran's development, executing over 300 large-scale projects such本论文由英语论文网提供整理，提供论文代写，英语论文代写，代写论文，代写英语论文，代写留学生论文，代写英文论文，留学生论文代写相关核心关键词搜索。