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College Essay -college essay sample -留学essay代写- Business Program Application: Edited Essay + Critique [36]

论文作者:英语论文网论文属性:论文指导登出时间:2011-08-19编辑:anterran点击率:84329

论文字数:2144论文编号:org201108191647115865语种:英语 English地区:澳大利亚价格:免费论文

关键词:College Essaycollege essay sample留学essay代写Business Program ApplicationEdited Essay

摘要:College Essay -college essay sample -留学essay代写Essay 代写- Business Program Application: Edited Essay + Critique的相关搜索college essay sample write college essay college essay topic essay

ound like a brochure.  I'll just incorporate the alumni network and student group info into the body of the text in the previous paragraph (P12).
P15, P16
Again, these paragraphs don't add much to the essay.  It's better to end with a solid conclusion than simply to peter out, so I condensed the section.
ESSAY 2
P1
The first sentence was very unclear; I rephrased it -- basically, simplifying the structure -- to clarify the meaning.
Add year of the earthquake.
P4
"We have rent a bus" Who is we?  I assumed it was your Cekul co-workers and you.
P5
"I was impressed with Cekul's activities."  Watch out for redundant phrases -- you had used the exact same phrase in P3.
The sentence "While working with Cekul, I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses" is interesting, but it detracts from the narrative, so I eliminated it.
P7 and P8
Consolidated
P8
You might want to clarify the phrase "families who could hardly speak Turkish", because a lot of people outside Turkey are unaware of your country's diversity.  What language(s) do these family speak?
P12
"educating those kids".  It's unclear: are you referring to the Cekul kids? I've assumed that was the case.
The meaning of the last sentence was also a bit unclear -- exactly what are those examinations for?  This is how I interpreted the passage: "I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wings with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education."
P16
This might be painful, but I eliminated the last paragraph -- the poet's saying. It is, no doubt, a beautiful saying, but so many students end (or begin) their essays this way that it has become cliché.  By ending with the current section -- stating simply that helping these two kids was your greatest accomplishment -- leaves the reader with a strong, lasting impression of your character and sense of commitment.
ESSAY 3
P1
Talk in the future sense: it's more assertive.  Say "I will" instead of "I can."
P2
The names of computer applications should be capitalized.
P3
Economical and economic have slightly different meaning -- when referring to the economy, use "economic".
P8
Again, I removed the section heading and worked in a transition, tying your qualifications to your leadership experience and thereby rendering the essay a seamless, well-constructed text.
When including several complex clauses in a list, it's best to use semi-colons instead of commas.
The result is three essays that reveal clear thinking, a unique background, and a keen determination to succeed.  Good job, and best of luck in the admissions process -- you have picked a fascinating track within the business world.
Best regards 

Edited Essay:
EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay with the edited version. We significantly improve essays both for clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well.
ESSAY 1
Turkish news nowadays carry vivid images which have become terrifyingly commonplace: the surface of the sea littered with dead sheep; a landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths; vendors off论文英语论文网提供整理,提供论文代写英语论文代写代写论文代写英语论文代写留学生论文代写英文论文留学生论文代写相关核心关键词搜索。

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