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论文作者:英语论文网论文属性:论文指导登出时间:2011-08-19编辑:anterran点击率:84306
论文字数:2144论文编号:org201108191647115865语种:英语 English地区:澳大利亚价格:免费论文
关键词:College Essaycollege essay sample留学essay代写Business Program ApplicationEdited Essay
摘要:College Essay -college essay sample -留学essay代写Essay 代写- Business Program Application: Edited Essay + Critique的相关搜索college essay sample write college essay college essay topic essay
Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
XXX,
Your essay was structurally solid, but your relative difficulty with the English language at times obscured the meaning of what you were trying to express. You managed to pack a lot of information into the word limit; my job, then, was to draw on this information in order to clarify your ideas by both refining your language and shoring up your arguments.
The major weak point was, no doubt, the concluding paragraph: it sounded like you were running out of steam. There, I worked to give the essay a more memorable ending.
Elsewhere, rather than make radical (and unnecessary) structural changes, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting ideas, and streamlining the logic of your arguments. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of the text.
I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated words that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and in a couple of spots varied the vocabulary and the length of sentences.
I took notes on the more substantial changes, as well as certain passages that you might want to consider elaborating on (by paragraph):
P2
RE:"As a high school student, I was very unprepared, and easy myself." The meaning of this sentence is not very clear. I rewrote the transitional portion of this paragraph.
P3
In the original text, it was unclear until too late exactly where you had transferred to, so I moved up the mention of XXX.
P4
What does AHANA stand for? You might want to write it out, and then include the acronym in parentheses.
In the revised version, the logic of the text is clearer, and your arguments are better structured -- without having sacrificed the persuasive tone and efficient analysis of your writing.
Best luck with the transfer process.
Regards,
Edited Essay:
EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay with the edited version. We significantly improve essays both for clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well.
I am applying to XXX because the school possesses a combination of resources and an environment that will help develop my understanding of both advertising and the business field of Public Relations. I have been studying in the United States for two years now, and during this period I have come to realize the importance of acquiring a solid academic foundation before entering the marketplace.
As a high school student, I was very unprepared to make long-term decisions of great consequence. I entered college in Japan without questioning my interests. I had developed a keen interest in Media over three years of activities with a photography club, and during that period I began to understand the many ways in which visual images affect people. I was aware that, even though Media studies in Japan were still not very developed, the field had become a sophisticated fiel本论文由英语论文网提供整理,提供论文代写,英语论文代写,代写论文,代写英语论文,代写留学生论文,代写英文论文,留学生论文代写相关核心关键词搜索。