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College Essay -college essay sample -留学essay代写- Business Program Application: Edited Essay + Critique [54]

论文作者:英语论文网论文属性:论文指导登出时间:2011-08-19编辑:anterran点击率:84359

论文字数:2144论文编号:org201108191647115865语种:英语 English地区:澳大利亚价格:免费论文

关键词:College Essaycollege essay sample留学essay代写Business Program ApplicationEdited Essay

摘要:College Essay -college essay sample -留学essay代写Essay 代写- Business Program Application: Edited Essay + Critique的相关搜索college essay sample write college essay college essay topic essay

ge meat.  This proved to be difficult because it was often hard to obtain in small quantities and quite expensive for a student.  Finally because the cost became prohibitive, and so much of the literature on animal welfare and the environmental movement supported vegetarianism, I decided to seriously give it a try.  This may have been the most difficult thing I had ever done.  I loved meat.  Nothing tasted better than a bloody rare barbecued steak or deliciously greasy bacon.  I eventually managed to master my cravings, though in the beginning I did have my doubts. It took me two full years to become a lacto-ovo vegetarian.
Though I’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian my newfound concern for animal issues and the environment were pulling me in another direction.  I had from the time I was a very little girl known exactly what I wanted.  Now suddenly I was unsure.  It was very daunting.  Not wanting to take a year off school I decided I would take some graduate courses and see where that led me.  I was no better off. Nothing stirred my passion.   So I took a year off to work and regroup. A few months ago, I came across a poster for the Master of Science in Animals and Public Policy.  I though it was too good to be true.  It was exactly what I was looking for but thought didn’t exist anywhere.
I still wish to pursue veterinary medicine but this program will allow me to develop my interest in an area that has become all important to me.  I want people to open their eyes and remember the wonder we felt as children when we saw our first giraffe. We have all become too blase to the beauty that surrounds us.  I want to help preserve what’s left.  I want cases of animal abuse treated as the serious crimes they are. I want us to acknowledge our kinship with animals and to stop treating them as objects to use and discard as our whims dictate.  I believe that one person can make a difference and through this program could help me accomplish many of my goals.
Our world is spiraling out of control. Were losing species of plants and animals forever before we even knew they existed.  Today my friends ask me how I go on caring so much about so many issues? The real question is how can we go on not caring?

Critique
Click Here for the Edited Version.
Dear XXX,
The essay is colorful and comprehensive -- I am impressed by your ability to enumerate your qualifications for the program while rendering the essay clear and easy to read (almost story-like).  The text did have a few weak points: here and there the grammar and phrasing were awkward; a couple of transitional passages were too abrupt or missing; and the conclusion was a bit too abstract.
In your note you mention you are looking for a title; this is highly unnecessary in an application essay.  If you are going to print out the page on a separate sheet of paper, simply include the question in italics at the top and then follow with the text.
The word count right now is 920; some of the corrections required expansion of the text, so unless something else comes up that you feel you absolutely must include, don't worry about "filling it in" to meet the exact word count.   I did note a few points where you might want to add information to make the passages more concrete (more on this later).
I have made notes on the more substantial changes and sugg论文英语论文网提供整理,提供论文代写英语论文代写代写论文代写英语论文代写留学生论文代写英文论文留学生论文代写相关核心关键词搜索。

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